These past few weeks have opened my eyes to so many new things. But closed my heart to so many people.
It hurts me to see me grow apart with the people that I hold so dearly to my heart. How I am growing into myself, seeing things in a new prospective, thinking different thoughts. Growing up, going in different directions than them.
I believe that people grow, not change. But why me? Why now? It’s putting a wall of glass between myself & others that only I can see. I see that they’re not on the same path as me, I’m wandering alone to somewhere so new, so unknown to me. Maybe it’s from my past, maybe it’s just my personality, my character, but I’m growing into something too far out of their reach. Something they can’t quite understand. Something that I can’t understand.
I’ve started to realize that I like the feeling.
So I was talkin’ to my mama today, and since she’s always right, she must be right yet again.
I’m letting things get under my skin too much lately. I’m giving “too many fucks” as she says. Friends, people, grades, money - everything has been bothering me. Why? Friends are supposed to be with you until the end, if not then they’re not really your friends. People come & go. Grades can be replaced. Money can always be replenished.
There is nothing worse than feeling alone in your own house. Not physically, but emotionally, and it took today to realize that it’s okay. It doesn’t bother me anymore like it used to. Why try? Why am I letting it affect me?
Because I’m giving too many fucks. I’m LETTING it crawl under my skin.
It’s my fault that I feel this way, because I LET myself feel this way.
And this is me no longer caring.
Moving on feels so good.
Not a day goes by that I don’t remember the times I had with you. I took them for granted. I never realized that after all these years that I still remember them. Little things from bickering in the hall ways of Junior High to nights watching stupid movies - I never appreciated them. Now looking back, I wish I savored them more. Remembered every little detail. Miles and miles, cities and towns, rivers and lakes between us - nothing changes. My feelings still remain the same. I find that so crazy. Words, how little they mean, when they’re a little too late.
Baby I’ve got all these demons and darlin’ they all look like you.